


Recall

by Skinandpit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Character Study, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 04:31:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1168724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skinandpit/pseuds/Skinandpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which monsters aren’t real, and Dean leaves home before Sam can. Sam does a little thinking about the way their family is laid out. </p><p>Essentially a first-person character sketch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recall

Here is my earliest memory:

Me and my brother and my mom, we’re running through this field of wheat as yellow as my mother’s hair. The sun comes down on us. We’re laughing. There’s sun in our hair and our skin and we can’t stop laughing. My skin hurts a little but not so much that I’ll admit to a sunburn.

When we get tired we fall down like our legs are nothing and lie there, smiling up at the sky. We hold hands. My brother tells me a story about birds. My dad isn’t there.

I told this to my brother a few years ago and he told me what I already should have known: this never happened. The ages weren’t right. My mom died when I was six months old, so how could she have been in a memory where I was old enough to run?

###

Here is another memory:

It’s Christmastime and we went out and got this dinky little tree from a gas station. There aren’t any decorations on it because none of us remembered to get them. I’m eight. My brother is twelve. My dad is thirty-two.

I’m sitting under the Christmas tree and I’m crying, snot all over my face because everyone else in my class has presents and cool decorations on their tree and because Dad is is lying drunk on the couch. I’m scared shitless. This is sort of normal for me. It might not actually have anything to do with what’s going on.

My brother says this didn’t happen either but he won’t look me in the eye when he does that.

###

Two days ago I went to a church with my friends because I did something bad and fucked up the good thing we had going. We all held hands and prayed. Then they told me it was okay. God forgave me. It never happened.

###

I don’t know where my brother was in memory two. If I think about it, I guess he was probably cleaning up someone else’s mess. Maybe mine. Maybe my dad’s. I don’t know. I don’t remember.

###

I think we remember a lot of stuff that happened even if we can’t call up a video of it in our heads. We keep it inside of us, in our bones. Our knees hurt when it rains. Our shoulders ache when our brothers cry.

One time I threw myself out of bed in the morning and ran into the bathroom with my bare feet and my hands over my mouth because I knew I was going to puke. I figured I had the flu but when I told my brother I felt like shit he said, yeah, of course, it’s mom’s birthday, did you forget?

I don’t think we forget anything.

I think we remember a lot of stuff that didn’t happen, too. We remember it better than the stuff that did, sometimes, because most of what happens in life is shit and you’d go crazy if that’s all you had to look back on.

###

My dad was there when my mom died. So was my brother. So was I.

I remember once when I was a little kid, my brother’s face right in mine and his teeth scary like they’d never been before and never have been after. He’s screaming at me, don’t you ever dare talk about her. I don’t know if this happened. I think it probably did. I think he was probably scared shitless a lot of the time, too.

###

Here is something I remember:

My day my brother left his smile was bright as the sun. Just for one second. My dad was screaming and we were scared as fuck because my dad’s never hit us but sometimes it feels like he’s going to break that streak.

I don’t know if that happened but I remember it anyway.

It makes me feel good to think of him out there with his smile. It makes me think that at least one of us got out.

I think when I leave I’m going to take his smile with me. I’m going to keep it in my bones and when it rains I’ll think of us running.


End file.
